Where does my heart beat now?

Dear God,

Well……what a lifetime in a few years?! I guess I need to get back to recording my life and my love journal to You. I know that I never stop our conversations, but, somehow I need to know that my heart and my feelings, and my story will be logged into this world for others to know just how my journey is being traveled.

One of my most favorite songs has always been Celine Dion’s “Where does my heart beat now”? This morning I was laying in bed and listening to this song, and it suddenly brought a whole new set of emotions to the forefront of my mind. I asked myself, “Where do all the lonely hearts go”? The verse “everything I needed fell into Your eyes”. This suddenly didn’t bring my husband of 20 years to mind….but YOU also. I have been the loneliest that I have ever been in my physical hearts mind, and still I know that it is full of love and committment. Being alone is not good for the heart or the soul. Being housebound is like a death sentence for someone who is so socially dependant. I’m suddenly like caged bird with not enough energy to flap her wings to escape. No matter how gilded the cage, no one wants to live each day without the sounds of laughter and joy that come with family and friendships. This is probably the most painful symptom that I have had to endure through all of this.  Okay… no pity party today! I must reach out to the world and concentrate on sharing what is fulfilling…. Y-O-U! Without that presence over me night and day, I think I may have given in long ago. That simply is not an option. You gave me two priceless gifts to watch over, and I intend to do just that. I don’t want one heartbeat of a second to fade before I share each memory of my heart– with them.

Everyday is now spent in bed for many, to most of my hours. I sleep, and eat, and I watch television, read,  and listen to music. I know that if the doctor’s don’t find a treatment option soon, then my poor restless body will succumb to all of the fourteen medications that I take everyday now. I have a faith that whenever this time comes, that I will be ready to greet You with open arms. I will know where “all the lonely hearts go” as sung in the lyrics of this song. I will know why this had to be MY story to tell and not someone else’s. I will trust that You will provide the answers, or perhaps by then, I won’t even care to know. I will just be suffice to be in the presence of the One who gave me life….and brought me home, as well. When I wonder “where does my heart beat now”, I will know….with YOU. Perhaps all of the lonely hearts will be there to welcome me and show the outpouring of love, that only heaven’s gate will know how to express.

Sometimes, I close my eyes and just listen to the beating of each and every heartbeat. I sometimes fight sleep, as I wonder if it will  fade during the night. I am not feeling the gloom of the moment, just the opposite. I lay and wonder,”What if I awake tomorrow and all of this will be over, like some bad dream. “What if I jump out of bed and feel renewed, and just as vibrant as I did four years ago? This is what keeps me going. This is the sound that echo’s hope and a fight in me that I will not let die. As I lay here and I feel each and every beat, and I know that I must go on and belive that each day is a gift and that I am still strong on the inside. I know that under this weak and frail body…there is a fighter, and a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend that is longing to get out and get back to a life that I once knew existed. This is not who I am deep within this heart. This is not who I want to be.  I know two hearts need each other. Mine and Yours. Someday I pray for wings to fly..to fly into Your arms of forgiveness and compassion. I needed someone to give my heart to. I gave it to You alone. I am praying for a full and complete recovery.

 My struggle began when those who believe in spiritual healing stated, that if you ask for healing, and it does not come….then the sick simply have given up– and they don’t believe that they CAN be healed. This is simply, completely, and utterly untrue. Do I believe in complete and instantaneous, even miraculous healing?……….ABSOLUTLELY AND COMPLETELY! But, what happens to us when it does not come? We struggle.We start to question our own mindset. We wonder if WE are what is standing between good health and devastating illness. I am about as real of a person as I know. I say it as I feel it. I struggle, but I still know that no matter what lies ahead……You are right beside me..Always. I know You can heal me in a blink of an eye. Perhaps one morning I will awake and every horrible symptom will be gone without a trace. This is my prayer and my hope for eternity! Until that day comes….I will still give You ultimate praise for each and every heartbeat that keeps this body grounded to the ones that I love so dearly.

No parent wants to lose their child to cancer. No child wants to face leukemia. No mother wants to die before seeing her children live out their dreams, and fulfill them to their highest capacity. If I must face this, then I must give it all that I have inside. Someday this dream of healing feels so far away…but I still hold on to the dreams and the promise that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I feel You everyday, and I know that You will never give up on me. We are in this together. Perhaps Job was a distant relative! He never turned his back on You in the midst of  his trouble…nor shall I!

When I heard the verse, “Where do all the lonely hearts go”? I asked myself to dig deep inside for the answer to that question. There are two hearts in need of one another. Where is the sound that only echo’s through the night? I can’t live without feeling it inside. I need someone to give my heart to. I feel it getting stronger, and stronger, and stronger. You will carry me through this. I will live each day with a heart full of gladness and joy that I am still able to speak and to tell others that there is someone who cares for each and every heart. Someone who knows exactly where all the lonely hearts go, as well as where the hearts that are overflowing with the love and compassion that You fill inside them.

Give me peace. Allow me mercy. Grant me wisdom. I want every day, every hour, every minute, each and every moment to be of value. I want my children to learn about this love, from who I am, and what I truly believe. Don’t let me leave this earth without instilling this precious treasure to them. They must know that no bad day is worth crying over. That a true friend will listen intently and guide with wisdom. That true love is a gift and when the wrapper comes off, we find the occasional mar and scratch, but that doesn’t make it any less of a gift…it just means that  perhaps– its imperfect too. Without our imperfections, we can never learn how to love with true compassion.  Every heartbeat is a chance for love, for making memories that stay with you a lifetime. I don’t want to waste one single heartbeat on feeling sorry for this weak and defenseless body that surrounds this vibrant and thankful person inside.

God, no man is  insignificant. No life is worthless. No memory is irrelevant. No person is useless. No baby is unwanted. No life is truly gone…..until that final heartbeat.

Let mine beat until You fulfill in me…what mine is intended to do “In the Kingdom of Christ”,

Gina

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