Mediation….God’s most unappreciated advocate tool

Dear God,

I believe that within each of us, lies an ability to compromise any situation that life throws at us. We are faced with decisions each and every day. We have to face others, and to learn when to get involved—-and when to walk away. Growing up with three sisters, certainly gives one the tools of this trade…..the tool of MEDIATION.

There are always going to be dozens of decisions that have to be made on a daily basis. Will I push that snooze button? Will I go out of my way to show love and respect to my spouse? ……even if he did keep me up snoring half the night! Will I work hard today? Or will I hardly work? Will I spend my money wisely, and save what I can, while remembering to tithe Your share in honor of the mercy that You have shown to me? These are the decisions that seem irrelevant to some, but we all must face them.

There is an unappreciated advocate that seems to be avoided or even dismissed in our lives. We forget that there is someone who is always beside us. Our advocate to make our lives more pleasurable, and full of joy and contentment. The great Mediator that rests within our soul and speaks wisdom to the ages. We have to face making choices that effect the outcome of our days, our future, and sometimes….even our destiny. When we don’t know how to choose, then we must go to the that most unappreciated advocate for mediation—YOU, GOD.

Sometimes, it feels like the left and right side of my brain are fighting for the prize title. I know what I want (usually from my own selfish desires) and what is better for me to grow spiritually in accordance with Your will. I need You to mediate the conflict that Satan tries to confound. When truly, I just need to go to You in prayer, and keep praying until I feel that You have answered me in a way that leaves me feeling at peace.

Several years ago, when we started our journey to adopt a baby girl from China, I couldn’t understand all of the roadblocks that seemed to negate each and every turn that we took. We thought that this is exactly what we wanted to do. We talked about it. We discussed it with the boys, and they were fully on board with our decision. I prayed each and every night for You to tear down the obstacles that came our way. I struggled with how making a decision to save a baby from possible death, or a life lived in a orphanage could be filled with such stumbling blocks. I believed certainly, that they  just couldn’t provide the same kind of individual love and tenderness that a stable home could give to her. I now realize that You advocated on her behalf. Now that little girl is probably in the home that needed her and wanted her more than life itself. You certainly had to mediate my struggle of a deep loss that came with not having another child…..and with the realization that in a few short months I would have a stroke and subsequent illness that changed our lives forever. I understand that having a baby to take care of now, would be totally unfair to her. You were….as You always are …A God of complete knowledge of our future and our life’s journey.

God, I ask that if anyone out there is struggling with making the decision to ask You to come into their heart and forgive them of their sins, that they allow You to mediate between the good and evil that can wreak havoc within our hearts and mind. Show them that becoming a Christian doesn’t mean that you suddenly have to give up all the fun things in life. That all activities have to be completely serious. I know that I can say that I laugh every single day! Life with You is only enhanced by the joy and honesty that comes from a personal relationship with our advocate in Christ Jesus. You can be the tool that we use each and every day to make our decisions a win/win proposition. We don’t have to choose to remain unsaved, just because we will need to give up certain things that keep us from accepting God’s grace and mercy.

I ask that You will forever remain my advocate in heaven. If I struggle to decide whether I need to trust in the medical decisions that I face daily, then I ask that You come into my heart and allow me to receive this advice that is available to me now through the wisdom that You have given to mankind….all the while trusting in the eternal hope that You will heal my body and restore my health. See…. a total win/win proposition made by the most unappreciated advocate in society, and the world.

Thank you God, for always being there for me, and for making each decision an easier struggle with the perfect solution,

Gina

Where does my heart beat now?

Dear God,

Well……what a lifetime in a few years?! I guess I need to get back to recording my life and my love journal to You. I know that I never stop our conversations, but, somehow I need to know that my heart and my feelings, and my story will be logged into this world for others to know just how my journey is being traveled.

One of my most favorite songs has always been Celine Dion’s “Where does my heart beat now”? This morning I was laying in bed and listening to this song, and it suddenly brought a whole new set of emotions to the forefront of my mind. I asked myself, “Where do all the lonely hearts go”? The verse “everything I needed fell into Your eyes”. This suddenly didn’t bring my husband of 20 years to mind….but YOU also. I have been the loneliest that I have ever been in my physical hearts mind, and still I know that it is full of love and committment. Being alone is not good for the heart or the soul. Being housebound is like a death sentence for someone who is so socially dependant. I’m suddenly like caged bird with not enough energy to flap her wings to escape. No matter how gilded the cage, no one wants to live each day without the sounds of laughter and joy that come with family and friendships. This is probably the most painful symptom that I have had to endure through all of this.  Okay… no pity party today! I must reach out to the world and concentrate on sharing what is fulfilling…. Y-O-U! Without that presence over me night and day, I think I may have given in long ago. That simply is not an option. You gave me two priceless gifts to watch over, and I intend to do just that. I don’t want one heartbeat of a second to fade before I share each memory of my heart– with them.

Everyday is now spent in bed for many, to most of my hours. I sleep, and eat, and I watch television, read,  and listen to music. I know that if the doctor’s don’t find a treatment option soon, then my poor restless body will succumb to all of the fourteen medications that I take everyday now. I have a faith that whenever this time comes, that I will be ready to greet You with open arms. I will know where “all the lonely hearts go” as sung in the lyrics of this song. I will know why this had to be MY story to tell and not someone else’s. I will trust that You will provide the answers, or perhaps by then, I won’t even care to know. I will just be suffice to be in the presence of the One who gave me life….and brought me home, as well. When I wonder “where does my heart beat now”, I will know….with YOU. Perhaps all of the lonely hearts will be there to welcome me and show the outpouring of love, that only heaven’s gate will know how to express.

Sometimes, I close my eyes and just listen to the beating of each and every heartbeat. I sometimes fight sleep, as I wonder if it will  fade during the night. I am not feeling the gloom of the moment, just the opposite. I lay and wonder,”What if I awake tomorrow and all of this will be over, like some bad dream. “What if I jump out of bed and feel renewed, and just as vibrant as I did four years ago? This is what keeps me going. This is the sound that echo’s hope and a fight in me that I will not let die. As I lay here and I feel each and every beat, and I know that I must go on and belive that each day is a gift and that I am still strong on the inside. I know that under this weak and frail body…there is a fighter, and a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend that is longing to get out and get back to a life that I once knew existed. This is not who I am deep within this heart. This is not who I want to be.  I know two hearts need each other. Mine and Yours. Someday I pray for wings to fly..to fly into Your arms of forgiveness and compassion. I needed someone to give my heart to. I gave it to You alone. I am praying for a full and complete recovery.

 My struggle began when those who believe in spiritual healing stated, that if you ask for healing, and it does not come….then the sick simply have given up– and they don’t believe that they CAN be healed. This is simply, completely, and utterly untrue. Do I believe in complete and instantaneous, even miraculous healing?……….ABSOLUTLELY AND COMPLETELY! But, what happens to us when it does not come? We struggle.We start to question our own mindset. We wonder if WE are what is standing between good health and devastating illness. I am about as real of a person as I know. I say it as I feel it. I struggle, but I still know that no matter what lies ahead……You are right beside me..Always. I know You can heal me in a blink of an eye. Perhaps one morning I will awake and every horrible symptom will be gone without a trace. This is my prayer and my hope for eternity! Until that day comes….I will still give You ultimate praise for each and every heartbeat that keeps this body grounded to the ones that I love so dearly.

No parent wants to lose their child to cancer. No child wants to face leukemia. No mother wants to die before seeing her children live out their dreams, and fulfill them to their highest capacity. If I must face this, then I must give it all that I have inside. Someday this dream of healing feels so far away…but I still hold on to the dreams and the promise that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I feel You everyday, and I know that You will never give up on me. We are in this together. Perhaps Job was a distant relative! He never turned his back on You in the midst of  his trouble…nor shall I!

When I heard the verse, “Where do all the lonely hearts go”? I asked myself to dig deep inside for the answer to that question. There are two hearts in need of one another. Where is the sound that only echo’s through the night? I can’t live without feeling it inside. I need someone to give my heart to. I feel it getting stronger, and stronger, and stronger. You will carry me through this. I will live each day with a heart full of gladness and joy that I am still able to speak and to tell others that there is someone who cares for each and every heart. Someone who knows exactly where all the lonely hearts go, as well as where the hearts that are overflowing with the love and compassion that You fill inside them.

Give me peace. Allow me mercy. Grant me wisdom. I want every day, every hour, every minute, each and every moment to be of value. I want my children to learn about this love, from who I am, and what I truly believe. Don’t let me leave this earth without instilling this precious treasure to them. They must know that no bad day is worth crying over. That a true friend will listen intently and guide with wisdom. That true love is a gift and when the wrapper comes off, we find the occasional mar and scratch, but that doesn’t make it any less of a gift…it just means that  perhaps– its imperfect too. Without our imperfections, we can never learn how to love with true compassion.  Every heartbeat is a chance for love, for making memories that stay with you a lifetime. I don’t want to waste one single heartbeat on feeling sorry for this weak and defenseless body that surrounds this vibrant and thankful person inside.

God, no man is  insignificant. No life is worthless. No memory is irrelevant. No person is useless. No baby is unwanted. No life is truly gone…..until that final heartbeat.

Let mine beat until You fulfill in me…what mine is intended to do “In the Kingdom of Christ”,

Gina