Dear God, Talking to Myself

Dear God,

Some people ask, “Do you ever talk to yourself”? I laughingly answer, “Yes, but I only respond if the conversation requires that I make a valid argument to settle any dispute.” I can only say that within the almost three years, since my illness began, I have had, but two choices to live by. One–become the lady in cardigans who has 27 cats and spends her social security check on cans of tuna….or Two–discover a way to enjoy what I have, and write precariously about my daily struggles, only to give God the glory in it all.  I respectfully submit…that I have chosen option number two.

With that being said, I have to admit that loneliness can become an issue for so many of us. We can spend our entire day, still in our PJ’s, or we can get up, shower, get dressed, and Facebook until our kids get home from school. I am so grateful that despite all of my insecurities and my loneliness issues, You have remained by my side, as my closest confidant, and dearest supporter of hope during times of hopelessness. I truly do give You all of the glory for my survival. I have adapted to this new life of mine, through the use of comedic relief, and the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and will guide me until Your return.

 I can honestly say, that I have been a bit frustrated lately. I have been missing church services, and it is a part of my life  that brings immense joy. I am someone who needs that interaction with other believers and the camaraderie that comes when we share our faith with those who also have that personal intimate relationship with You. We somehow find ourselves facing the same giants that intend to harm us, if we do not stand up and use our sling-shots of faithfulness to overpower them. I am discovering that there are so many others, just like myself, who are dealing with such similar issues in family, relationships, health, finance, and just daily life struggles in particular. I don’t think that this is by chance. I truly belive that You are the sole reason that we are to gather together and share our concerns and our joys, so that we can give You all of the praise for deliverance.

I have sometimes turned on the radio in my van, and while listening to praise and worship music, I will sing along. To others who are passing by, they probably think that I am talking to myself. I do not worry about this. I know that  I can and sing to the God who deserves to be praised. We know that if we do not, then even the rocks will cry out in praise to You. If rocks can sing….why can’t I? I love You, Lord Jesus, and I may be dealing with several battles right now. But,  I have complete confidence, that You will carry me through. I often picture the footprints in the sand. One set of footprints that show You carry me when I can no longer walk myself. How fitting to my own personal circumstances. I can only give You the glory for the fact that I am no longer in my wheelchair! I have chosen not to use my walker–as a sign that I am trusting You for healing. I am rarely using my cane now. I have fallen some, and I know that I do “waddle’ with unsteadiness. I must not waiver from my confidence that a healing will happen! I will not give up or give in. I may not be restored to complete health yet, but this is in no way an indication that I will not see complete restoration before Your return. If I must deal with this a while longer, even if I do not understand the reasoning, then I will do so, because it could mean an even bigger miracle to show the power of a God who can do all things!!

I was once told by a friend, that she tried to pray at least three times a day. That she wanted to make sure she reserved those special moments to converse with You and share about her day. She then asked, “Is this what you do?” I suppose I surprised her to some degree. I said well “no.” I wake up and start my day by talking to God. I kind of have an open forum of dialogue throughout the day. I don’t really say, Amen, until I go to sleep. I talk to Him so much, that it may appear as though I am talking to myself at times. I have caught myself moving my lips. It may seem funny to others, but this is how I talk with God.

I can’t begin to thank You enough for Your sacrifice and for Your mercy that You have shown to me as a sinner, just saved by Your grace. I want to walk in faith and in the love that only You can provide. I talk to You throughout the day, because I no longer look at You as a stranger who I have to struggle to make conversation with. I look to You, as a friend whom I can talk to about absolutely anything and everything. You have been my closest friend and I treasure that I have no fear when telling You my secrets and sharing with You about how I struggle with life’s demanding  circumstances.

To the God who allows me to talk unhindered,

Gina