Dear God, You take my breath away

Dear God,

This is the conversation that I dreaded the most. For who doesn’t fear their own mortality? You were there when I drew my first breath, and I know You will be beside me when I draw my last. I have no crystal ball to forecast my future. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. I know that You are my strength, my shield, my armor, my protector, and my savior. None other will ever be worthy of my praise or my worship. I have put my full and complete trust into You alone. I have the confidence that no matter what this life holds for me, You will hold my future.

I have heard it been said, that man takes approximately 17,500 breaths a day. It is unmistakable that You alone are the source for each and every one. You created man from the dust of the earth, and You are the creator of the universe. I live my life for the one true God, and ask that no matter what happens, You will remain the light at the end of my tunnel.

I have been given a choice to travel and see a new set of physicians in Minnesota. I do not know what I will do at this time. I pray to You for guidance and for direction in this quest. I know that You are the divine healer of all mankind. I know that You have the ultimate power to speak my name, and that all disease and pain could be removed from my body immediately. I know this to be true. What I also know, is that I have seen others who have the same love and devotion to You, leave this world in untimely deaths. It is heartbreaking for us to lose a child or a parent, a brother or sister, or even our spouse. What we do not understand, is the workings of the mind of a God who designed us with the ability to choose whom we will serve. We have the choice to say no. We have the ability to live our lives as reckless and with abandon, and with no concern for the safety and wellbeing of our selves or others around us. I take my life very seriously. I want You to use me in every regard for the benefit of the kingdom of Christ. I want to be a servant that never gives in to want, to self, to fear, to sinful nature. I want my life to reflect the King who came and lived a life of selflessness, so that one day I can obtain my inheritance to the God who sits upon His kingly throne.

I come to You today and ask, “Can I find one physician who is willing to accept the challenge that lies ahead of me?” Can I find one physician who is willing to completely devote himself to the oath that was taken, which states “first do no harm?” I have searched and wandered through this state looking for answers as to why I must suffer with this unending pain and sickness. I have no answers. I have no reasoning that explains why I must endure this and not be healed immediately. I do not, and will not question Your authority in this. I have too much honor, and respect to ever question the God who died for a sinner like me. I pray to find a doctor who is willing to look  beyond the previous pages of tests and summaries that others have given. I want someone who is willing to give of himself and dig as deep as is needed, to find the answer and give it to me. If there is a cure, I will be elated. If there is nothing more to be done, then I ask that You hold my hand as I stay the course, and endure this. I will be brave and will honor You with each and every breath that I take. I will give glory to the God who allows my heart to beat, my lungs to fill with air, my brain to function, my eyes to see, and my ears to hear. I do not believe that I am here by happenstance. I know that You knew me before my first breath was taken. I believe that You loved me enough to die for me, even if I chose to commit sin willfully and chronically. I choose to worship the God who knows what is wrong with me, and I humbly ask that You give the doctor’s the answers and the correct treatment or medication, so that I can live my life to the fullest. I want to sing from the mountaintops. I want to run and jump and spend every moment with my children that I possibly can. There is no greater joy that You have bestowed upon me, than the lives of my children. I adore them more than any words could be spoken, in the many languages of this universe. I would give my last breath for them, in a heartbeat, without any questions asked. I can see the love that You must have felt for each one of us, when You drew Your last breath on the cross, because I too, would do the same for my children.

God, I do not know what will happen in the coming months and years. I know that I feel myself getting weaker and It does frighten me. It would do me no good to deny that, because You are the all-knowing God, and You already know my emotional status. You know that I am concerned about my life and the time that I may, or may not have. I ask You…no, I beg of You…to give me a definitive answer to my quest. I am willing to accept whatever decision is already been made for me. I will continue to love You- with a love that consumes me from head to toe. I will never deny the God who made me and knows exactly what ails me and what can mend me. Whatever decision is made, I ask that You give me the time and the ability to enjoy every single moment with my boys. I only want precious memories with them. I want them to see their Mother, as a fighter, not a quitter. I will not give into defeat. I will share the gospel until–You take my breath away.

I will breathe the same air that You breathed when You walked this earth. I will love others the way You taught us too. I will share my love and my compassion, as You showed us through example. I breathe–because You allow it.

Let it be noted: I believe that I  can and will defeat this!! I will not stop in my quest to live each and every day to the fullest and to the best of my abilities! I will take each breath as though it is only the beginning of a new and healthy life for me. I will not doubt, or give into fear. I am a child of God–therefore I am already healed by His stripes!  I believe in a complete healing and will claim this always! To God be the glory- GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE!

Gina