Dear God, From Heel Holding….to Luring Lentils–Jacob was determined

Dear God,

I’m not sure whether it is because of my place in the family order, or just because I find sibling rivalry interesting, but I have always struggled a bit with Jacob’s determination to succeed. Even from in his mother’s womb, he was determined to latch onto his twin’s heel, and be delivered by means of a race, being welcomed into this world. He wanted the birthright so badly, that he would do anything to make sure that he would receive it before his father’s death. With the help of his mother, who also favored him, his trickery won him his coveted title. But just like all means of covetousness, his greed would truly, cost him all. It would take wrestling with You, to bring him the understanding that to gain You, and loose property and possessions, is to gain everything indeed.

I can remember, even as a child sitting in Sunday school, hearing the story of Jacob and Esau with extreme interest. I can recall looking at my teacher with wonder, thinking, “Wow! that must have been some bowl of soup!” Either Jacob was one heck of a great chef, or Esau obviously thought that his brother was kidding him, and annoyingly said, “yes, you can have the favored birthright.” We all know that as children, we say things to our brothers and sisters, during frustration, that isn’t meant to be truly interpreted as what me meant. We all say things in the heat of arguments, and in the hours of our exhaustion, never meaning our words to be taken for anything, other than face value. I know that if my three sisters, took everything we always said, without regard for our emotional status when, we spoke it–then we would have remained in trouble. We four sisters, really were all treated without regard for birth order, during our childhood. I do believe that as we grew older, that we tended to develop into our own extremely, unique personalities. We each have our own likes, and dislikes. We each have our own moral compass, and we make our decisions based upon which direction it is pointing.  I have seen things occur in the last year and a half, that I never thought, I would live to see happen. Life’s events and milestones, can sometimes, take us to a place, where we should never have ventured. I pray diligently for those whom I believe have just temporarily lost their path for now. I pray for those whom I love, that they will never doubt my love for them is eternal.  You are first in my heart. Those we share our lives with here, are meant for enjoyment and for making memories. I only want to share my time and my memories with the intention that You will be exemplified and honored.

Jacob had an undeniable desire to be first, and to be given the biggest portion of the family wealth. It is sad to see others, search for this same desire in something that will never bring true happiness or peace. Esau, knew as the eldest son, that He would naturally be given the larger portion of the land and possessions of his father. He knew that this was tradition of the times, and there was no reason to question what was already predetermined social standard.

Somehow, Jacob’s desire for this relished honor, drove him to a point where he was willing to trick his beloved father, during the final hour of his life. He, with his mother, Rebekah’s assistance, would convince Issac that He was his hairy, older brother, and receive the blessing. It is also amazing, that during those times, it was absolute law, that a man’s spoken word, was to be taken as finality. Esau, knew that if his father has spoken this over Jacob, then he would have to abide by it. He would not question his father’s last word. In today’s time, we would be in court for years, spending our last dime, to determine who  would be the victor. No man’s word is ever taken as truth and justice today. We tend to twist and distort every single event in our lives until it suits our own selfish greed and personal satisfaction. I’m sure that this makes You cringe in disbelief, that man has become so completely self-centered, that we only give in, once we have successfully gotten all that we wanted to begin with. I have the mentality, that if someone else want’s it bad enough, then they should just take it. The things of this world, are exactly that….things. There will not be a U-Haul behind my Hurst, and I won’t be taking boxes to the cemetary. The most important thing in this life, won’t involve a delicious bowl of lentil soup–not even if Chef Emeril made it himself. No, I do not want a birthright, or a birth-wrong.

 I want my family to love one another and choose to ultimately serve the man who didn’t even have home to call his own when he lived here. A man, who owned nothing of value. A man who came from a poor family, and had to flee from Kings, who were jealous of his powerful following and knowledge of God, the Father. I am not a heel holder, or a coat-tail rider either. Perhaps, some would say im simply not ambitious enough. Maybe that’s true, as far as monetary wealth is concerned, but I know what is tangible. I know what is fleshly. I know what is temporal. I know what is eternal. It is with great respect to those who care to judge others, that I say this, “If my life is equivalent with eternal substance, then I am prepared for death itself.” For we know that our life is meant to be of the service to You alone. We are given the gift of family, friends, and acquaintances to leave our mark upon. We are here to share the gospel with others. We can tell of Your great life and how they too, can receive salvation and wait upon Your return.

I want to live my life with Esau’s disregard for the importance of title’s and rights of inheritance. But, I want to strive to become the Jacob of Ole. The mighty man who had to admit his sins and horrible trickery, to get what was not of real importance. I have done things in my life, that I am not necessarily proud of. I have at times, done things that did not honor You. I have put myself ahead of others, and at times, ahead of You. For that I am ashamed. However, it is with Your power of forgiveness and grace, that You have shown me how to move past those indiscretions. I know what is sin now, and I am therefore responsible for making decisions based on that knowledge. I know what is expected of me, and I have no excuse for disregarding that. I have made many mistakes during my life, and if I were to bind myself by them, I would be tangled for a lifetime of guilt and pity. But, You have given me a second chance, a second life, a second birth. I now have the opportunity to be as determined as Jacob and as forgiving as Esau. I pray for the best of both.

Lord, thank You for letting me hold onto Your heel during my rebirth, and forgiving me for luring lentils into self-indulgence.  It is with great Determination…that I know You are all I need.

Gina

Dear God, Talking to Myself

Dear God,

Some people ask, “Do you ever talk to yourself”? I laughingly answer, “Yes, but I only respond if the conversation requires that I make a valid argument to settle any dispute.” I can only say that within the almost three years, since my illness began, I have had, but two choices to live by. One–become the lady in cardigans who has 27 cats and spends her social security check on cans of tuna….or Two–discover a way to enjoy what I have, and write precariously about my daily struggles, only to give God the glory in it all.  I respectfully submit…that I have chosen option number two.

With that being said, I have to admit that loneliness can become an issue for so many of us. We can spend our entire day, still in our PJ’s, or we can get up, shower, get dressed, and Facebook until our kids get home from school. I am so grateful that despite all of my insecurities and my loneliness issues, You have remained by my side, as my closest confidant, and dearest supporter of hope during times of hopelessness. I truly do give You all of the glory for my survival. I have adapted to this new life of mine, through the use of comedic relief, and the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and will guide me until Your return.

 I can honestly say, that I have been a bit frustrated lately. I have been missing church services, and it is a part of my life  that brings immense joy. I am someone who needs that interaction with other believers and the camaraderie that comes when we share our faith with those who also have that personal intimate relationship with You. We somehow find ourselves facing the same giants that intend to harm us, if we do not stand up and use our sling-shots of faithfulness to overpower them. I am discovering that there are so many others, just like myself, who are dealing with such similar issues in family, relationships, health, finance, and just daily life struggles in particular. I don’t think that this is by chance. I truly belive that You are the sole reason that we are to gather together and share our concerns and our joys, so that we can give You all of the praise for deliverance.

I have sometimes turned on the radio in my van, and while listening to praise and worship music, I will sing along. To others who are passing by, they probably think that I am talking to myself. I do not worry about this. I know that  I can and sing to the God who deserves to be praised. We know that if we do not, then even the rocks will cry out in praise to You. If rocks can sing….why can’t I? I love You, Lord Jesus, and I may be dealing with several battles right now. But,  I have complete confidence, that You will carry me through. I often picture the footprints in the sand. One set of footprints that show You carry me when I can no longer walk myself. How fitting to my own personal circumstances. I can only give You the glory for the fact that I am no longer in my wheelchair! I have chosen not to use my walker–as a sign that I am trusting You for healing. I am rarely using my cane now. I have fallen some, and I know that I do “waddle’ with unsteadiness. I must not waiver from my confidence that a healing will happen! I will not give up or give in. I may not be restored to complete health yet, but this is in no way an indication that I will not see complete restoration before Your return. If I must deal with this a while longer, even if I do not understand the reasoning, then I will do so, because it could mean an even bigger miracle to show the power of a God who can do all things!!

I was once told by a friend, that she tried to pray at least three times a day. That she wanted to make sure she reserved those special moments to converse with You and share about her day. She then asked, “Is this what you do?” I suppose I surprised her to some degree. I said well “no.” I wake up and start my day by talking to God. I kind of have an open forum of dialogue throughout the day. I don’t really say, Amen, until I go to sleep. I talk to Him so much, that it may appear as though I am talking to myself at times. I have caught myself moving my lips. It may seem funny to others, but this is how I talk with God.

I can’t begin to thank You enough for Your sacrifice and for Your mercy that You have shown to me as a sinner, just saved by Your grace. I want to walk in faith and in the love that only You can provide. I talk to You throughout the day, because I no longer look at You as a stranger who I have to struggle to make conversation with. I look to You, as a friend whom I can talk to about absolutely anything and everything. You have been my closest friend and I treasure that I have no fear when telling You my secrets and sharing with You about how I struggle with life’s demanding  circumstances.

To the God who allows me to talk unhindered,

Gina

Dear God, Why Writers…Write

Dear God,

I have come to the conclusion that there are many people  in this world with such diverse capabilities, that one begs to discover as many as possible during their lifetime.

I have wondered why You have so enticed me to love the art of writing with such a passion. It occurred to me this morning.

Writers write…because it inspires great thinkers. Writers write because it evokes an emotional response. Writers write because words can stimulate art, media, and design. Writers write because their words can transcend beyond the current moment, therefore being remembered throughout generations. Writers write because verbal wit is enjoyed in moment, but written wit can last a lifetime. Writers write because when their thoughts are incurred, it can bring an epiphany that will change lives. Writers write because words can elicit hope, joy, peace, comfort and happiness.

You know and understand, that one of my greatest fears is that of neurological impairment. I know that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I have struggled with this odd and yet fascinating dilemma that has come upon me. I can write without struggling for the words that beckon to be transposed, yet during a normal conversation, I am stuttering inside my own brain, to think, and search for the sentence that I really want to speak. This is most often in the case of witty come backs. If someone is joking around with me, I used to be able to dish as well as be fed the clever verbal repartee. I enjoy it so much! But, when I totally forget what I wanted to say…it is lost in the moment, and forever buried in the recesses of my mind. That is why I enjoy writing. I can express my words, my thoughts, as well as my emotions with the use of key strokes and voile~ My intentions and comments are released and communicated.

I thank You, God that You love me in spite of myself. I can hardly understand, at times, why You always are there when I need a spiritual “hug”, and that there is no time, day or night, when I can’t call out to You, and know that I am forever heard.

I suppose I first realized this regretful circumstance, when I was watching a movie about a couple that had struggled to find love for years. Life seemed to get in the way of their true hearts desires. They did, in fact, finally come together, and against all odds, were reunited for the rest of their future. The sadness came when the plot was revealed and the husband had remained true by her side in the most difficult of finale’s. She had succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease, and forgotten the man of her dreams. He was forced to live his life without due reciprocation of his devoted, and truest love..due to the memory loss that had taken over the mind of his wife. He had however, come to the knowledge that by writing about their romance in a journal, that perhaps he could force those precious memories back into his angel’s mind as well.  This seemed to be the answer…until he was forced to realize that their history would only be enjoyed for mere moments. How heartbreaking to love someone with such passion and dedication, only to live out your future with someone who views you as a complete and utter stranger.

God, I fear that someday, I could reach a pinnacle in my health, where I may not be able to write and record my memories and my adventures. I want to write every single moment that is portrayed as exciting, as joyful, as sad, or as funny, just so when– and if that time would fall upon me, as well–that I could be read my memoirs, and relive them again. You are a God of love. A God of healing, and a God of patience. You never give us more than we can handle. Therefore, I have the confidence that whatever my future holds in my writing career, I can have this treasure, for my family to remember me by.

I write because You have instilled a passion for learning more about You every single day. I write because I want to sing praises to the Savior of this world. I write because, no matter what I am faced with in this life..I know that You will be by my side. If I can remain immortal by means of written documents, then I will live on in the lives of those whom I love, until we would be reunited in heaven again one day.

There are so many writers whom are legendary in their works. Hemingway shall never be forgotten. Not for what he did in his ordinary life, but for the words that he scripted. He made sure that his thoughts and idea’s would never go to the grave with him. He succeeded in his quest, as did so many famous authors. I do not write to receive fame from my literary capabilities. I write, to show others that even in desperate times of our lives, we have the answer to all of our questions. In fearful times, there is a still, small voice that is beside us, and can wipe away all the tears. That when we are so vulnerable to the sinful nature that we were born into, we have a way out. We have someone who was willing to take on every sin, every evil crime, every malicious thought, every wrong doing.  God, You loved us when we were the most un-loveable creatures of Your design. I praise You for Your selfless act of sacrifice, that dripped away with the sweat and tears that were shed upon that old rugged cross. Without that understanding and passion, I could not dare express my gratitude and thanksgiving for my unyielding desire to serve You alone.

Without the bible….we would not have the hope that transcends throughout the ages. Without the books of the prophets, that were the spoken words of our heavenly Father, then we could not share the gospel throughout the world. We can speak to others and tell of Your glory, but, it is the written word that tells the world of Your love and Your sacrifice that can not be expressed with any greater passion…than by the pages that speak to the heart of every single reader. Your word….inspires my words!

Lastly, I write….because I will lend my gift to honor my God in heaven above,

Gina

Dear God, Learning a few New Lessons

Dear God,

 If these last few weeks have taught me anything, it’s a few new lessons to learn by.

Life is inevitable

Happiness is a choice

Joy is unspeakable

Grace is sufficient

Mercy is available

Miracles are real

Family is priceless

Health should be appreciated

Kids say the darndest things

 Time still flies- whether you’re having fun or being miserable

AND: Only YOU can sustain us through it ALL!

Life may not be easy, but it comes to us each morning. I have come to appreciate the fact, that there will come the dawning of a new day, and I may not be granted that appreciation. I must acknowledge that it is by Your grace that I  am even given a new day to live and to enjoy. Your love have seen me through some very difficult times lately. Yesterday, was a good day! I can’t say that I was without pain, but I still managed to keep a smile on my face and enjoy the family time that was a gift. Only few people care to give and to receive it without provocation. I know that in the ordinary moments, if we are willing to search, we can find-and make- some of our most treasured memories.

God, I ask that You take me and mold me. I have often heard it said of teachers, that their students are like clay. Teachers have the opportunity to mold, and create in our children, a mind to enjoy the lost art of pursuing an education. All because they feel it is a privilege to learn. Not, because it is forced upon them, but because they understand its immeasurable worth to society, and to their own self-esteem. In the olden days of our history, we know that there was segregation, and there were groups of people, and races that were not allowed the same opportunities to attend school  and be given the lessons of instructions, required to read and to write. It was a privilege given only to those that were considered to be of a greater worth to society. A worth, that was deemed only equivalent by man’s inept concept of human value. I praise You God, that at least, in man’s attempt to grow spiritually, morally, and intellectually,we have achieved some success in learning that You value ALL men, women and children in equal measures of grace and love.

For those whom were not granted the privilege of a formal education, they were told that an “X” was to serve as their signature for binding agreements to incorporate legal documentation. That ironically, those same individuals were unable to read and understand. This was an atrocity. I believe that we have come a very long way in our quest to understand that we are created equal, and we all have the right to be treated with dignity, with respect, and with the same opportunities to education. You show no bias in Your love and mercy for us, so why should we show any less respect for another individual based on any type of prejudice?

In the search for mercy, grace, and salvation, I have discovered that even though our world has changed, and became open-minded enough to allow for equality and education to be given without bias; we still pretend that this most precious gift is an opportunity that is unreachable and unattainable. How is it that we now understand that education is affordable to all, but believe that eternal life is only for those radical, unstable persons, who seek “a higher power” who can not be seen with human eyes, and allow tragedies to occur without divine intervention? I am outraged by this. I know that I need to keep my self in check here. It is not for me to explain the workings of my Savior’s divine decisions and Your predestined plans for eternal benefits. You created man from the dust of the earth and You will ultimately ascend from heaven and claim Your rightful throne one day.

It is however, our responsiblity to teach and preach the gospel to the lost and dying world who has yet to accept Your life and death, that changed our circumstances forever.

Speaking of lessons of education…..I am provoked to speak to You about something I heard the other day. I was watching a program on television and a commercial advertisement came on. It spoke of man’s evolutionary process, and how our “species” had to fight and scrap its way to survive until today’s time. That ancient homosapians, had to pillage and fight, just to survive from day-to-day existence. That food, water and shelter were extremely hard to obtain, and man’s evolutionary process survived because of this inner desire for self-sufficiency, determined on living with only the essential basics. Dare I…Okay…I am laughing out loud….

Today’s man can’t even leave his house without his cell phone, his blackberry, his iPod, his bottle of Evian, his laptop, and can’t get there without his mechanical transportation. If this is the result of learning to survive in order to avoid extinction, then someone, somewhere forgot to tell us. I am learning a new lesson. That technology is amazing. That it is no longer cool to carry bottled water–I must go Green. That it is perfectly reasonable to expect delays, but that most people are intolerant of them. That time is of the essence, and that I must cherish each moment that I spend, and whom I choose to spend it with. These lessons are the ones that are meant to be learned for the here and now.

But, I have an even greater responsibility. I must be quite careful, and methodical in my thoughts, my speech, and in my prayer life. I must learn the lessons that come from the bible with knowledge that confounds even some of the greatest minds of todays theologian community. Jesus, You spoke to the religious leaders in the temple, of things that even their earnest devotion to the scrolls had not lent to them in their hundreds of years of life, and yet, You were but a mere child. I believe that You chose Mary and Joseph as guardian parents over him, because You knew of their devotion to faith and to family. You already knew that they would take very seriously, the demands of teaching and educating him, in the spiritual realms, while living in a fleshly world.

You are a God of calculation. A God of protection. A God of reverence. And a God whom I believe to have a sence of humor. I think that perhaps, many see You as being so omnipotent, that You are all about reverence, and not about joy. That perhaps, You come without light-hearted anecdotal capabilities. If someone is extremely happy, they find joy in the little things. They are able to laugh at themselves, and the world around them. If You created us in Your image, why shouldn’t we expect the same from You?

Thank You, God. Thank You for teaching me the lessons that I stubbornly turn from, when I am not in “my finest hours.” I appreciate that even though I am sometimes a slow learner, that You never give up. You were the first to invent the “no child left behind” concept. Your motivation for encouragement to strive to do my very best, is always worth the effort that it requires.

To My teacher, My educator, and My tutor……Never will there be a “substitute” for my Almighty!,

Gina

Dear God, Dodging the Bullet

Dear God,

I wonder, just how often do we use the phrase, “dodging the bullet?” We have such a way of describing our circumstances with verbal wit. This phrase was used only days ago, when Hawaii was spared of the impending tsunami that was scheduled to hit at 11:05 am. We watched with worried anticipation as we braced ourselves for yet another natural disaster. We are starting, to become slightly unaffected by some of these news stories, and that is becoming unnerving to me. In all honesty, I too, stayed by the television, gripped with anxiety, as we awaited for the shoreline to recede, and the waves to hit. We all watched, and when time seemed to go on, and on, and on, without incident we assumed that we could breathe a sigh of relief. The waves of destruction would not destroy this beautiful island city.

For so many, it was said that Hawaii had “dodged the bullet” and that they should, by all probable means have been hit. That by all scientific research of probability, that began when Chile was rocked with an 8.8 magnitude earthquake hours before. This was GOING to happen. The sea bed was shifted, and the impending wave would come, it wasn’t if, but when. As the time went on, and as it occurred, many other area’s were definitely effected by waves of destruction, Hawaii was not to be effected as greatly as was predetermined.

My thoughts on this, are a bit different, than the scientific explanations as to why Hawaii was not hit so hard by the waves of the tsunami. I had seen where literally thousands and thousands of people were praying for this to be avoided. Due to family and friends that live in the area, as well as those who just didn’t want to see another Haiti situation played out. Father, I believe with all of my heart, that there was no scientific explanation for this diversion…there was, however, a supernatural explanation. I truly believe that the God who can calm the stormy seas, did indeed– do that very thing. You gave protection and peace to those people on that day. You intervened on the behalf of those who prayed diligently to You for protection of their loved ones. There may have been a bullet to dodge, but You are in charge of the sky, the wind, the waters, and the waves. You are the one who has the power to intervene in our lives and change our circumstances, to protect us from devastation and heartache.

Since posting that I would be humbled and honored to receive prayer requests from others, I have been getting numerous ones from so many who are asking that I pray for their situations. I have found that by praying for the needs of others, I am less likely to dwell in my own problems, and focus my attention to the concerns of those who truly desire Your help in their lives. I have seen multiple concerns for job related problems. I have seen marital strife that is begging for Your intervention and healing powers. I have seen illness, and disease, and accidents, that have fallen on those who do not know where else to turn, but to Jesus Christ. I will continue to reach to You, for each and every person who struggles as to where to find that peace that passes our human understanding. We may be dealing with problems that seem to simulate staring down the path of the bullet, but I know that You hold us in the palm of Your hand, and that when we give our hearts to You alone, there is nothing that can bring harm to us. We may still deal with pain, with divorce, with children who are struggling where to fit in, and with financial difficulties and job loss. But, nothing other than our own selfishness, can separate us from the love that flows so freely from You, God. We may be shaken, and shoved by the difficulties that life throws our way. I find that even when I feel totally weakened and physically drained, I can still have the assurance that I will survive. I am a survivor!

Nothing of this world is worth loosing our emotion and mental boundaries that are our bullet proof vest. We have the armor of God that can take those hits from the bullets of life’s hard-hitting challenges. We will sometimes fall down with an explosive hit. But, You have still given us the protection that saved us from that bullet that would have penetrated our bodies and caused certain death. No other love can bring that undeniable protection and peace into our hearts and minds.

I pray now for all of those who are suffering miserably in Haiti, in Chile, and on the coastlines that did sustain a hit from our ocean’s mighty, and powerful waves. I know that they are struggling with questions as to why this had to happen to them. I’m sure many of them who are without a home, without water, food, or a decent shelter, are asking, “Why didn’t we dodge that bullet?” The only answer is to give, is “That we live in uncertain times, and we live with the knowledge that prophesy has foretold us of natural disasters and moral decay in the end of times.” We must not stray from the knowledge that You are coming for us very soon. We must hold on for a bit longer. We must not give up, and take off our vest of protection. The armor of God that will bring us through these perilous times until we see You, and hear that trumpet…knowing that our Savior is finally here to take us home!

I will not fear the bullets that are shot by the enemy–the ones that are meant to take away our faith and our peace. We know whom we are believed, and who is able to take our pain away. “Hold on survivors!!” I promise you all, that Your redeemer is on His way. We must not grow weary now! God, I put my complete trust in You now. I will survive the bullet of pain, the bullet of natural disaster, the bullet of marital strife, the bullet of contention, the bullet of deceit and lies, the bullet of disease and suffering. You are coming and we must acknowledge that You have the power to dodge all of these from our lives. I pray for protection and for strength to fight the good fight as our dear friend Paul had the courage to do. We know what lies ahead in the final showdown. We already know who the victor is!

Praise God, Your coming for me–and all of those who have put their trust in You alone, We will dodge those bullets–as we await for our victor of battle!

Gina

Dear God, You take my breath away

Dear God,

This is the conversation that I dreaded the most. For who doesn’t fear their own mortality? You were there when I drew my first breath, and I know You will be beside me when I draw my last. I have no crystal ball to forecast my future. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. I know that You are my strength, my shield, my armor, my protector, and my savior. None other will ever be worthy of my praise or my worship. I have put my full and complete trust into You alone. I have the confidence that no matter what this life holds for me, You will hold my future.

I have heard it been said, that man takes approximately 17,500 breaths a day. It is unmistakable that You alone are the source for each and every one. You created man from the dust of the earth, and You are the creator of the universe. I live my life for the one true God, and ask that no matter what happens, You will remain the light at the end of my tunnel.

I have been given a choice to travel and see a new set of physicians in Minnesota. I do not know what I will do at this time. I pray to You for guidance and for direction in this quest. I know that You are the divine healer of all mankind. I know that You have the ultimate power to speak my name, and that all disease and pain could be removed from my body immediately. I know this to be true. What I also know, is that I have seen others who have the same love and devotion to You, leave this world in untimely deaths. It is heartbreaking for us to lose a child or a parent, a brother or sister, or even our spouse. What we do not understand, is the workings of the mind of a God who designed us with the ability to choose whom we will serve. We have the choice to say no. We have the ability to live our lives as reckless and with abandon, and with no concern for the safety and wellbeing of our selves or others around us. I take my life very seriously. I want You to use me in every regard for the benefit of the kingdom of Christ. I want to be a servant that never gives in to want, to self, to fear, to sinful nature. I want my life to reflect the King who came and lived a life of selflessness, so that one day I can obtain my inheritance to the God who sits upon His kingly throne.

I come to You today and ask, “Can I find one physician who is willing to accept the challenge that lies ahead of me?” Can I find one physician who is willing to completely devote himself to the oath that was taken, which states “first do no harm?” I have searched and wandered through this state looking for answers as to why I must suffer with this unending pain and sickness. I have no answers. I have no reasoning that explains why I must endure this and not be healed immediately. I do not, and will not question Your authority in this. I have too much honor, and respect to ever question the God who died for a sinner like me. I pray to find a doctor who is willing to look  beyond the previous pages of tests and summaries that others have given. I want someone who is willing to give of himself and dig as deep as is needed, to find the answer and give it to me. If there is a cure, I will be elated. If there is nothing more to be done, then I ask that You hold my hand as I stay the course, and endure this. I will be brave and will honor You with each and every breath that I take. I will give glory to the God who allows my heart to beat, my lungs to fill with air, my brain to function, my eyes to see, and my ears to hear. I do not believe that I am here by happenstance. I know that You knew me before my first breath was taken. I believe that You loved me enough to die for me, even if I chose to commit sin willfully and chronically. I choose to worship the God who knows what is wrong with me, and I humbly ask that You give the doctor’s the answers and the correct treatment or medication, so that I can live my life to the fullest. I want to sing from the mountaintops. I want to run and jump and spend every moment with my children that I possibly can. There is no greater joy that You have bestowed upon me, than the lives of my children. I adore them more than any words could be spoken, in the many languages of this universe. I would give my last breath for them, in a heartbeat, without any questions asked. I can see the love that You must have felt for each one of us, when You drew Your last breath on the cross, because I too, would do the same for my children.

God, I do not know what will happen in the coming months and years. I know that I feel myself getting weaker and It does frighten me. It would do me no good to deny that, because You are the all-knowing God, and You already know my emotional status. You know that I am concerned about my life and the time that I may, or may not have. I ask You…no, I beg of You…to give me a definitive answer to my quest. I am willing to accept whatever decision is already been made for me. I will continue to love You- with a love that consumes me from head to toe. I will never deny the God who made me and knows exactly what ails me and what can mend me. Whatever decision is made, I ask that You give me the time and the ability to enjoy every single moment with my boys. I only want precious memories with them. I want them to see their Mother, as a fighter, not a quitter. I will not give into defeat. I will share the gospel until–You take my breath away.

I will breathe the same air that You breathed when You walked this earth. I will love others the way You taught us too. I will share my love and my compassion, as You showed us through example. I breathe–because You allow it.

Let it be noted: I believe that I  can and will defeat this!! I will not stop in my quest to live each and every day to the fullest and to the best of my abilities! I will take each breath as though it is only the beginning of a new and healthy life for me. I will not doubt, or give into fear. I am a child of God–therefore I am already healed by His stripes!  I believe in a complete healing and will claim this always! To God be the glory- GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE!

Gina